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"I'm Old Gregor is it Old Frank?" by Bill Brennan
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The following is based on Rocky Horror and a short skit from The Mighty Boosh people. If you know who "Old Greg" is , then you will enjoy the following. If you donít know who old Greg is, then perhaps you should google "Old Greg" on You Tube, check it out, and THEN read this lil bit of fan fiction, thingís will make more sense. Okay, here we go, letís see what happens when Brad Majors meets up with a scaly man-fish named Old Frank ( Starring Brad Majors and Dr. Frank N Furter, of course).

CHAPTER ONE: "Im Old Frank, please ta meetcha"

Brad Majors was out in the middle of Lake Denton. It was late, he was doing some night fishing, and not having much luck when suddenly he felt a tug on his line.

"Ive got one!" Brad said excitedly and smiled, " thatís it, come to poppa Majors!"

As he reeled in his catch, the fog thickened, swooped in, and for a moment Brads vision was totally blocked. The fog receeded as quiclly as it came, and much to his amazement he saw that he was no longer alone on the small row boat. Sitting across from him was a man, sort of:

He had thick black hair mixed in with what looked like sea weed or lake plants. He worse a corset and garterbelt and heels and had a " BOSS" tattoo on one arm.
"Hi there," said the stranger.

"W-W-Who are y-you?" Brad stammered.

"Im old Frank. What are you doiní in my waters?"

"Nothing," Brad said, " taking the air..not fishing,"Brad tucked the fishing rod under his seat.

"Then why do I have this fishing hook in my head?" Old Frank demanded.

"It has nothing to do with me, Sir," Brad said fearfully.

"The lines attached to your rod, mother licker!" Old Frank accused and gave the thin fishing line a tug.

"Please donít kill me," Brad begged, this was all too much!

"Easy there, my fuzzy little man peachÖyou ever drink Bailys from a shoe?" Old Frank asked.

"What?"

"Wanna come to a club where people wee on each other?" Old Frank asked.

"Uh-no," Brad was gob smacked now, and didnít know what to say !

"Im gonna hurt ya," Old Frank sneered.

"Excuse me?"

"I like you, do you like me?" Old Frank locked eyes on Brad.

"I donít really know," Brad said honestly.

"Make an assessment!"

"Uh, I think youíre a fine modern gentlemen," Brad said, hoping it would get him out of this uncomfortable situation.

"Donít lie to me, boy! I know what you thinik, you think "here comes old Frank, heís a scaly man-fish ! Well, you donít know what I got! Iíll tell you what I got, old Franks got a vagina, I got a man-gina! IM OLD FRANK!" Frank N Furter stood, raised his tutu, and a blinding light hit Brad square in the face, and he passed out.

To be continued........

CHAPTER TWO: "Love Games"

Brad woke up slowly, his head aching. He sat up, caressed his temples, and look about: he was in a cave. It was wet, dank, dark, and decorated like a 1975 cocktail lounge.

"Where.where am I?" Brad managed.

"Franks place," answered the transvestite man-fish from behind the bar.

"Would you like a little drinkie? I.I made you a Baileys, all soft and creamy beige," Frank handed the glass to Brad, who sipped without really tasting and commented,
"Delicious. Um, is this the way out, over this way?" Brad looked about at the various hallways, hoping for an exit sign.

"Why do you wanna leave? We have everything we need here, we've got Baileys, and..and..and another Baileys," Frank offered Brad another glass, which he declined with a polite,
"Im fine, thanks."

"Ya know, Brad, Im an artist, I do watercolors," Frank said as he gulped down another glass.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, now, I wanna show you something. See this? This is called " old Frank", and indeed the canvas that Frank help up was a watercolor of himself.

"And this one is called " old Frank," and this one, and this one." They were all watercolors of himself, all titled ' old Frank.'

"Now this one, this one is a watercolor of Baileys" and indeed it was a painting of a bottle of Baileys Irish creame.

"And this is another one of Baileys, and this is a close up of Baileys, so close you get your eye's wet."

Brad paused for a moment, still looking for a quick way out.

"That's.quite a portfolio you have going on there, Frank, but Ive got to be scooting. You know, things do to, people to see, Brad Majors Man-About-Town, you know, so I'll just be letting myself out."

Brad walked perhaps two paces when he heard Franks voice ask,
"Do you love me, Brad?"

"Oh, dear," whispered Brad to himself. Then, louder,
"Im..Im going to have to pretend I didn't hear that, Frank,"

"DO YOU LOVE ME?" Frank asked, louder. MUCH louder.

" Ah, no, no I don't love you, Frank. I don't even know you."

"You DO know me, you've seen my downstairs mix-up," Frank said with a sly grin.

"I didn't exactly ASK to see that, now did I?" Brad countered.

"But.but we had the boat times, when you hauled me out of the water and into your strong arms," sighed Frank.

"That, uh, that was'nt exactly a ' time", Frank.that was more of an exposure." Brad was getting annoyed now, this was quite too much!

"But you DO love me," Frank insisted.

" That isn't how it work, Frank!"

"Why not? Tell me how it works, then."

"Well, stammered Brad, " you know, you go out, meet someone, get close, do this, that, and the other.I don't know you, Frank, so I cant love you."

"But you DO," insisted Frank again.

"I don't," Brad shot back.

"You Do!"

"I don't !"

"But you must love me, Brad.you must love me the exact same way that I love you!"

Brad had enough, and it was time to put his foot down.

" Frank, I don't love you, in fact I think you are becoming rather annoying.I would even say that you are somewhat pathetic, can you deal with that !?!"

Frank looked forlorn, sad, eye looking down at the floor.

"Maybe I will deal with it..maybe I'll deal with it the same way I delt with Lou Alder!" Frank pointed up to one wall of his cave, and mounted on a panel of wood, as a man would mount a fish, was a human being. It was Lou Alder, local resident, who was vanished here on Denton Lake years ago.

Seeing a dead man mounted on a wall made Brad think things over a bit.

"Ah, you, Frank, perhaps I was being a bit hasty when I said I didn't love you. Perhaps I was playing hard to get, you know, playing a game." Brad was trying to think fast and get out of this alive!

"Games?" Frank pondered with a small smile, "Love games?"

"That's it, Frank, love games," Brad smiled, his nervousness made the smile much wider than he had planed, and then out of no where music began to play, a disco ball lit up the room, and Frank began to dance and sing " Love games".


FRANK:

Do you love me?

Or are you playing your love games with me?

I just need to know cuase I need your love a lot,

Come on now



Do you love me?

Or are you playing your love games with me?

I just need to know cause I need your love a lot,

Come on now.



And Brad found himself singing in return!

BRAD:

"Your moving too fast, this isn't a race

Gotta slow down, and lower the pace now

Gotta back up and give me some space

Moving too fast, this isn't a race uh huh.



They both danced a bit and Greg finished up with.



Do you love me?

Or are you playing your love games with me?

Momma don't make me beg, now, cause Im not your regular guy

Don't be shy, do you love me?



They both fell/sat into a set of chairs at a dinner table. And soon dinner would be served.


To be continued........

CHAPTER THREE:

Brad sat at the dinner table, looking at the fare that frank had laid out: mismatched cutlery, glasses that ranged from jelly jars to beer steins to his own, which was a coffee cup with ' cow spots ' on it. Dominating the center of the table was a large hunk of meat that looked like it could be swine, or something close.

"That's quite a spread you put out, Frank." Brad commented with distaste.

"You don't seem very happy, Brad."

"Oh, you can pick up on that, can you?" Brad was in a foul mood by now, trapped in a cave with a transvestite man-fish.

"You know what your problem is, Brad? You're too rigid, y'all are like a bread stick. Now me, I got the funk." Frank smiled.

"Yes, Frank, you're very funky," sniffing the air, Brad detected a scent that was more than just dinner.

"No, I got THE funk, let me tell you about it.

The Funk is a living creature, about the size of a medicine ball, covered with tits. The Funk came here from outer space, and crash landed on David and Stephanie Freeman's house! When David and Steph woke up from the crash, they were both stroking a bass guitar all free and loose like some kind of funky music machine. David milked the funk, made himself and Stephanie some funky milk shakes, and they found that they felt all fizzy inside, and they could even see around corners, it really blew their minds! Anyways, they shared the funk shakes with some friends, Rob Bagnall and Bruise Violet and Saffron Sherer, and the formed a pop band called " Richard and the O'Briens" and took the musical world by storm.

(TWW Note: Yes. it's all true!)

Then, one night in a helicopter over Wembley Stadium, David was playing hacky-sack with the Funk, and it went over the side, and fell all the way down into Lake Denton.and no one ever saw the funk again.

I found the Funk a few days later in a clam shell, smoking a joint with a conga eel. I asked the Funk if he wanted to go back to London to play the concert halls, and he said that he was " done wit all dat shit" and the fans were only interested in his funky produce.

So now the funk lives here, with me, right here in this box."

Old Frank placed a box on the table, and slid it over to Brad. Brad opened it, looked in, and saw what looked like a multicolored medicine ball, covered in tits.

"Hi Brad," said the Funk, and Brad slammed the lid shut quickly.

"Um, whats all this got to do with me, exactly?" Brad wondered.

"I'll tell you what it has to do with you, Brad. How does this sound: how's about you and me make some tasty shakes, hmmm? We form a band of our own, we can be " The Family Funk" ."

"And we can get out of here?" Brad smiled as the prospect.

"You bet your life!" Frank smiled as well.

"Well, come on, lets do it!"

"There's only one condition.I need you take my sweet hand in marrage."

"Oh, God," Brad muttered, exasperated.

"Think about it, Brad. You get what you want, you get to get out of here. I get what I want, a strong man to hold me at night when it's raining.well, what do you say?" Frank took Brads hand in his, and looked hopefully into his eyes.

"I say.I do."

"Oh, Brad, you've made me very happy! Im.Im gonna go pick out a wedding dress, maybe crack open a fresh baileys! Im Old Frank!!"

And Frank pranced away into the elevator, and up to another part of the cave, leaving Brad alone at the dinner tabler with the funk.

Just then a submarine surfaced in the waters of the cave water, and no one else but Ralph Hapscatt popped out.

"Hey, Brad, we've been looking for you, get in!"

"Ralph, thank God!" Brad ran to the submarine, then paused. He ran back to the dinner table, grabbed the box, and then got into the submersible.

"Whats that?" asked Ralph.

"This, my friend, is something that's going tom put us on the musical map!"

Part 4/ending coming up!

CHAPTER FOUR: OLD FRANK..CONCLUSION

The crowd at the Denton Junior Chamber of Commerce went wild after Brad and his band left the stage. Brad and Ralph brought in a local guitarist named Howard Moon, and some local musical artists that no one had really heard of ( Tony Head, Reg Livermoore, Chris Malcolm, Patricia Quinn, etc) before, they had had some tasty funk shakes, and they blew the lid off the building. they came out for five encores, retreated out the back door and a mob of screaming women ( not to mention a few men) stormed after them, screaming for autographs and sexual favors.

"That was a great gig,' Ralph said from the passenger seat of Brads car.

"You got that right," agreed Brad," NOTHING can stop us now!"

Brad and Ralph and the rest of the band laughed and congratulated themselves on what was obviously the beginning of some- thing big.and unknown to them all, there was a person sitting on the luggage rack on the top of Brads car,someone who saw the poster for Brads gig, someone that was in love with Brad.

"IM OLD FRANK!" screamed the smiling, happy transvestite man-fish to the night, " I GOT A MANGINA, IM OLD FRAAAAA-NNNKKK!!!!!"

The end

Bill Brennan 2009

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