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Red Dwarf/Rocky Horror Cross-Over by Bill Brennan, May 2001
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CAST:
DAVE LISTER.................EDDIE
ARNOLD J. RIMMER.......BRAD MAJORS
THE CAT........................FRANK N FURTER
KRYTON........................RIffRAff
HOLLY...........................CRIMINOLOGIST

Part Three, uploaded 1st July, 2001.

Eddie saw Brad standing over him.

"You're a hologram!" Eddie said.

"Yes," sneered Brad, "no thanks to you!"

Eddie sat up, brought out a cigarette, and lit up.

"Why you?" he asked.

"No smoking in here, can't you read the sign? You'll never be an officer if you act like this," Brad said, and looked down his nose at Eddie.

"Holly, why him? Why not Columbia or Petersen or Chen or Freeman?

"Eddie, Columbia dumped you flat out," said the Criminologist's rotating head from the nearby monitor screen. "Petersen was so daft he bought a house on a gas moon, and Chen and Freemen would only help you drink yourself to death. Sorry, mate, but Brad's the only person that can keep you sane. A human being isn't meant to muck about on his own in a huge ship, especially being the last of his species and all."

"But...Bradley J. Rimmer Majors?" Eddie puffed the cigarette and wished for a curry.

"So, what's it like?" he asked the hologram as he swished his hand through the light field that composed his middle.

"What's it like? It's like being dead, or on vacation with a bunch of Germans. And don't do that! This is all your fault." Brad steamed.

"MY fault? Rimmer, I mean, Brad," said Eddie, "how is all this MY fault?"

"It's your fault, Lister, because with you in zero-time I was on my own. I fell behind in my work quota, and thus certain repairs weren't done as quickly as they needed to be done."

"The spare igniter, the one that leaked the radiation and killed the crew..." Eddie said wistfully, and wondered if Brad was correct. He sighed, and said, "I knew we should have gotten that spare tire fixed."

"The radiation leaked out because I was on my own to fix it, THAT is how this is all your fault. And now instead of a young man on his way up in the world, I'm reduced to...that!" Brad pointed to the small pile of dust that was piled, all dusty like, near the spare igniter manifold.

"And now I'm not even me, I'm a replication of me! The real me died, alone, fighting to save the crew from peril, a true hero..."

"Not quite, Brad. Here's a reply of the incident," said Holly, and both Eddie and Brad watched a reply of what happened just before the Red Dwarf's crew were all killed.

Brad was alone, and removing the spare manifold, when he saw a bit of dust on the floor. Being the meticulous, neurotic smeg head that he was, he stooped over to clean it up when he should have been watching the discharge readings. They went off the scale in that one vital second, and when Brad looked up he saw through his glasses a reading which he knew would, in a second, kill everyone on board.

"Oh, smeg," Brad said, and felt the heat blast through him. The radiation wave-front contaminated the crew in nanoseconds, faster than Holly could seal off the ship.

All over the Red Dwarf people fell to the ground, ill and dying.

The monitor closed in on Brad's face and his last dying words were,
"Gazpacho soup."

"Gazpacho soup?" asked Eddie. "What the hell does that mean?"

"None of your concern, slob sneered Brad. Eddie got up.

"I'm going down to the bar for a pint," he said, and pulled his "Baby" jacket a bit tighter over his back. Brad followed him out into the hallway, still arguing.

"Drinking while on duty is strictly against regulations, laddo. I'm putting you on report."

Eddie turned around and shouted, "Brad, there is no "report", there is no "duty" anymore. Don't you get it? I'm alone, and I'm not going to follow the orders and directives of a hologram smeg head like you." at the same time Brad was saying,

"Human race or no human race, regulations are regulations, and – and at just that second both of them were shocked into silence at what they saw in the hallway before them:

It was a man. A young man, with thick black hair and facial make up, wearing a corset and garter belt and net stockings, with high heeled shoes and a black cape with silver lining. He also sported a set of fanged teeth. The man seemed just as surprised to see Eddie and Brad as they were to see him. "Uh oh, strangers. Well, how nice ... I better make myself look big!" And the man raised his hands, threw off his cape, and bared his fangs with a high squeal. Brad and Eddie turned and ran down the corridor.

"Hey that was pretty good! I wonder how I'm looking?" said the cat-like man to himself. He withdrew a small, gold plated mirror from his cape lining and admired himself. "Mmmmm, I'm looking pretty good, yowwwwwwwww!" and with that he did a small dance step and moonwalked back the way he came. "Holly, what the hell was that!?!" demanded Brad.

"That is an evolved cat. Lister's cat, to be exact. She was locked in the cargo hold when the radiation leak hit, and was pregnant. The kittens also bore children, and with almost unlimited supplies the cats grew and evolved in the vast hold of the ship. Most of them left the ship years ago when they started opening up doors and getting sick. This one stayed behind." Holly smirked. "I think he's a bit daft as well."

"Look who's talking," said Brad.

end of part three............

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