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Frank-n-Furter knew he didn't fit in, but what could he do? He walked along the beautiful moon drenched shores of his home planet Transsexual. His silver garment glinted in the fading light.

A fellow creature came into view.

“Hello Bernie,” he called out unenthusiastically.

“It's Bernice today.”

That was the problem with Transsexual. You never knew what sex your neighbours were going to be on any day. Frank-n-Furter usually got it wrong.

In fact that was the only uncertainty on the planet, what people would decide to be each day. Otherwise it was boring, boring, boring. There was plenty to eat in a boring vegetarian way, nobody worked, as robots and replicators did everything, and it was utterly boringly peaceful.

It hadn't always been peaceful. Many centuries before strange aliens came to the planet in large machines with three legs and blasted everything with death rays. Until of course they all died from bacteria. Apparently they kept on invading planets, killing everything in sight then died. They never learned of course.

He would have loved to have lived then. At least there would have been some excitement in his life.

“Hi Frank.” It was his rival Riff Raff. One day Frank-n-Furter knew he would get the better of Riff Raff and his sister Magenta. He would have them serving him and calling him Master. In the meantime he would be patient.

“Hi Riff Raff. Where's Magenta?”

“Oh she's after Bernie. She said he was so hunky yesterday.”

“I think your sister will be disappointed today. Bernie is now Bernice.”

“I don't believe it Bernie has been Bernie for months now. Not like some of them changing sex every other day.”

“Tough. She'll just have to wait 'til the change back, unless they go lesbian.”

Frank-n-Furter looked at Riff-Raff. The only thing in common was their alien Earth ancestry. Although living on Transsexual , they were trapped in their own sex. Frank-n-Furter thought about his childhood and his arrival on this wretched paradise.

James T Kirk had arrived on a time slip from the human future with a woman in a red Star Fleet uniform, simply known as Star Trek Extra. He had his way with her and left her here, pregnant. It is certain this little journey was not entered in his 'Captain's Log'.

Soon after, another human arrived. Luke Skywalker brought Princess Leia on a short holiday from fighting star wars. Later the twins were born. The princess doted on the pretty Magenta but loathed her little son calling him Riff Raff. Soon they were off to fight Darth Vadar, leaving their offspring under the care of stressed out Star Trek Extra. Frank-n-Furter muttered to himself.

“Ugly little bastard and still is.”

“What's that?”

“Oh nothing.” Suddenly a red haired whirlwind stormed into their midst.

“Bitch.” Magenta was fuming. “Why did she change? Then she said 'why don't you change' and she knows I can't. Bitch.”

“Calm down dear. Don't make a drama out of a crisis.” Frank-n-Furter gave her a winning smile but it didn't work.

“Then she said she'd changed because she fancied you.” The whirlwind stomped off.

Frank-n-Furter looked up to see Riff Raff going after her. He turned to go home and stepped on a furry animal. It squealed and booted it away much to the disgust to a passing Transsexual. Frank-n-Furter wasn't the only legacy of Captain James T Kirk, the Tribbles were all around and still breeding. Yet it was forbidden to harm them.

Frank-n-Furter did not obey rules and realised the infestation would have to be cleared. He would sort them out now.

“Is that you dear?” Star Trek Extra was now quite elderly, worn out by bringing up her brood.

“Yes mother. It's me.”

Frank-n-Furter went to his room. It was more a laboratory than a bedroom. There it was, salvaged from one of the ancient tripods. A death ray gun, emitting pure anti matter. A quick press of the trigger and a generation of Tribbles was gone.

There was a knock at the door.

“What is it mother?”

“Your father left you this for when you came of age. I think you're old enough for it now.” She left the room.

Tearing open the box, he took out the items.

A book. He'd heard about books and had reluctantly learned to read human writing from his mother. It was by a certain Mary Shelly.

Frank-n-Furter shook with excitement at the second item. A mini replicator. Quickly he started the programme, only to see a video clip from his father.

“Son. I left you on the best planet in the whole universe. It is beautiful, peaceful and you can have all the sex you want. However if you do want to boldly go where you've not been before, this machine will make you a starship.”

Frank-n-Furter was just about to rush out to tell Riff Raff and Magenta, when he noticed a final package. There was a note on it.

“This was your Great Aunt Lucy's. She was a burlesque dancer. If you find a nice girl before she changes into a man, get her to wear these. It'll certainly excite you both and will be a change from all those silver outfits everyone wears on your planet.”

Half an hour later Frank-n-Furter rushed out to find Riff Raff and Magenta. He fell flat on his face with the heels. Local Transsexuals were astonished and rushed off to replicate the only new fashion in centuries.

The replicator was noisy sucking out material from the nearby forest and a great crater formed. First robots were made and then they made the starship. It gleamed.

They all dashed back to their homes and collected their belongings.

“Is everything alright dear?”

“Yes mother.”

“Were those things from your father OK dear?”

“They were fine mother. Bye.”

Star Trek Extra looked at her son as he wobbled his way to the newly fabricated spaceship. She knew he was selfish and she knew she would never see him again. Her heart was broken. He hadn't even said goodbye properly.

“Welcome Captain,” intoned the on board computer. “Where do you want to go?”

“Earth, and make it quick. Warp nine.”

Stars flashed by and soon they were in orbit over a blue and green Earth.

“Where's that?” Magenta looked at the large island below them.

“England,” replied the computer.

“What's that building?” This time Frank-n-Furter demanded the information.

“Oakley Court.” The computer announced.

“Replicate it. We don't want the Earthlings to notice us.”

“No we don't,” came a chorus of voices. The three of them spun round at the group of stowaway Transsexuals.

“So,” intoned Frank-n-Furter. “My phantom passengers. Now you'll all behave or else you die. That includes you Magenta and Riff Raff.” He pointed the death ray gun with its prongs at them all. “Computer.”

“Aye Captain.”

“Why haven't you cloned Oakley Court as I commanded? Also I want you to replicate Earth servants' clothes for Riff Raff and Magenta, and clothes for our phantoms.”

The clothes materialised and Riff Became the butler and Magenta the maid. The phantoms donned a motley array of costumes. They all stared at the ray gun.

“It can't take any more,” interrupted the computer. “ I'm giving all I've got. We may all dematerialise.”

The whole spaceship shuddered and they were all thrown round the ship. The Oakley Court replica was surrounding them.

“I can't hold on, we're going down,” the voice of the computer shouted.

The new Oakley Court spun over the Atlantic and planted itself in a field not far from the small town of Denton.

As the dust settled a number of motorcyclists, Hell's Angels gunned their engines and headed towards the strange building that had just appeared.

“Riff Raff, answer the door.” The new butler pulled himself up from the floor. The harsh landing had covered him in dust.

“Yes Master.” Frank-n-Furter thrilled inside at Riff Raff's subjugation. The door creaked open.


“I'm Eddie and this is my girlfriend Columbia.”

“A real man,” shrieked Magenta but Frank-n-Furter pushed her aside.

“Come in Eddie,” he invited, with a wicked smile.

Andrew Sherriff, 20th July 2010.

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