CAST:
DAVE LISTER.................EDDIE
ARNOLD J. RIMMER.......BRAD MAJORS
THE CAT........................FRANK N FURTER
KRYTON........................RIffRAff
HOLLY...........................CRIMINOLOGIST

Part Two.

Eddie walked into the docking port, and looked up. And up. And UP. The ship was huge, bigger than anything he had ever seen, a mass of red metal that blotted out the sky.

"Brutal," said Eddie, and went to his shuttle. He had signed on as a Technician Third class, and would be responsible for delivering chicken soup to the Captain, bringing reports here and there, and doing other "delivery boy" work.

Eddie stood in the elevator with a number of other young men. "Urp," burped the thin blond man next to him. His nametag said "R. HAPSCHATT".

This Hapschatt chap reached into his jacket and removed a can of Glen Fujiyama Malt Whiskey, downed it in a gulp or three, and burped again.

"They don't let you bring any outside alcohol into the ship, regulations," said Ralph, passing Eddie a can and opening another. The shared a drink or two and then the elevator doors opened into the vast main deck of Red Dwarf. Ralph Hapschatt and Eddie stepped out and looked around; people were walking here and there, busy at this job or that ... the room was vast, and on the roof was a huge picture of a man's head, and he was answering questions for people. He had short silver/gray hair, and an older face, with deep lines etched into it.

"Looks like a chicken stepped on his forehead," said Eddie, and Ralph laughed as well.

"That's Holly, ship's computer, or Criminologist, or brain, or whatever you want to call him. Has an IQ of over 5000. Go ahead, ask him anything."

"Uh, Holly...I mean, Criminologist...uh, who won the last Regionals for the London Jets?"

The huge face looked down at him.

"Hullo, Eddie," he said. "That would be Jim Bexley Speed."

"Brutal," smiled Eddie, and they walked forward to the main reception area. As they waited, a few others started to join them in chugging down the drinks, and soon Eddie, Hapschatt, Freeman, Chen, and Peterson were roaring drunk. Just then a senior man walked up, swiveled his wrist and hand near his head in the strangest salute they had ever seen, and waited for the salute to be returned.

"You're drunk," sneered the man. His nametag said B. R. Majors.

"Hey, ain't you the bloke that I dropped off at 'Dr. Scott's Refresher Course'?" asked Eddie.

"Certainly not," replied Brad with a ill-hidden lie. "You men disgust me. You'll never be an officer this way."

"I don't wanna be an officer - I don't care about anything as long as I'm heading back to Earth," said Eddie with a smile. He lit a hand-rolled cigarette and puffed, and placed the smoldering butt in his ear so he could open another can of Glen Fujiyama.

"TO Earth?" Brad sneered again. "See, there's a perfect example. You don't even know where we're going. For your information, we are on our way to Jupiter."

"JUPITER!?!" Eddie jumped to his feet. "What about going to Earth? You said yesterday that Red Dwarf is going to Earth!"

"No no no Listy, " said Brad with a smile. He was smiling because he saw the look on Edward Lister's face: abject disappointment.

"I said that Earth was the final destination. We go to Jupiter for three years, then back to Earth. Now, if I were you I would sober up, we leave port in just under an hour."

Brad saluted that queer salute of his again and walked away.

Eddie was devastated. Ever since his birthday he had been traveling farther and farther away from home, and now this. There had to be a way around this … there HAD to! And since Holly, the Ships Criminologist, had a super-huge IQ, he had better make good use of it in the short time he had left before Red Dwarf left port …

Eddie had the problem solved. He picked Holly's brain, and found that there was a crime he could commit that would get him thrown into stasis, the "no time" jail that held criminals aboard Red Dwarf. He purchased a cat, a cat that was certified to be one of the healthiest animals on that world, totally free of contamination of any kind. Eddie didn't want to put the crew into danger. Once the cat was discovered he would be thrown into no-time jail, and would ride out the rest of the trip asleep, and would wake up when he was finally home.

All he had to do was wait till someone noticed that he had brought a cat on board…

There was a woman on the ship's control deck. She was the most beautiful woman Eddie had ever seen, and he fell in love with her the very nano-second he saw her. Her name was Christine "Columbia" Kochanski. She was petite, had red hair and raccoon eyes and a pinball smile. She smiled as he walked up to him. "I see you've been summoned to the Captain's Office," she said in a high "Betty Boop" like voice. "Some people would give their right arm for the privilege," she said with some sarcasm. "People like you, maybe?" Eddie asked as he lowered himself closer to her.

"Ha," she teased. "I've seen it."

"LISTER, FRONT AND CENTER!" called Captain Hollister.

"Oops, gotta go," said Eddie, and he walked into the Captain's room.

Eddie stood there in his Red Dwarf cap, "Baby" vest, and black t-shirt that said "Eddie" on the front and "London Jets" on the back. It was stained with beer and fag ashes, and Eddie never seemed to mind that it smelled very strongly of both. Captain Hollister sat at his desk, and gave him a stern eye.

"Eddie, where's the cat?" he asked.

"Cat, Sir? What cat?" he asked with an innocent smile.

"This cat," said the Captain, producing a photo of both Eddie Lister and the cat, inside his crew quarters.

"Not only are you stupid enough to smuggle a cat on board, you also are stupid enough to actually send the film you took to be developed here on the ship! You know the regulations, Lister. Remember what happened on the O'Brien with all those rabbits? Now, where is the cat?"

"If I tell you," said Eddie, trying to antagonize the Captain as much as he could without showing too much disrespect, "what will you do to it?"

"I'm going to have to order it destroyed and examined for contagions," said the Captain simply.

"With respect, Sir, what's in it for the cat?"

Eddie smiled when he saw the shade of red that Hollister's face turned.

"You have a choice, Lister. You either give me the cat or you will ride out the rest of this trip down in the Zero Time cells and forfeit all pay. Now, what's it gonna be!?!"

Eddie smiled as he was marched to the Zero Time cell. His plan worked perfectly: when he closed his eyes he would be a million or more miles away from home, but when he opened them he would be back orbiting Earth, his home. The cat was somewhere down in the cargo hold. It would be found eventually, he guessed. He hoped it wouldn't be hurt some way or another, but that was all out of his hands. Eddie looked out of the window, and smiled and waved …

"It is now safe for you to come out of Zero Time, Eddie," said Holly's voice. The door opened, and Eddie came out.

"Hey, I'm back! Yeah!" he said and jumped. "Please report to the control room for debriefing, Eddie," said the Criminologist's face from a wall screen.

"Hey, where is everyone?" asked Eddie with a smile as he wiped his fingers into a large white pile of powder that was left lying on top of a shirt and pants on hall chair. He placed his finger in his mouth and tasted. Not bad.

"Please report to the control room for debriefing, Eddie," said Holly again.

Eddie walked on, still surprised that there was no one about. The ship was huge, but always crowded...and why did Holly say it was "safe" for him to leave Zero Time instead of "you may now exit" or some such thing? Eddie wasn't quite sure yet, but he had a feeling that something was just not quite right. He came across another pile of powder, swept his finger in, and licked as he lit up a smoke. With no one around, why not?

Eddie entered the main control room. There was no one there either, and most of the control terminals were silent. There were piles of clothes, mostly rags, and lots of the sugar-like substance that he had been enjoying.

"Okay, I'm here … what's up?" he asked.

"Eddie, everyone is dead. There was a severe radiation leakage from the spare reactor, killing everyone aboard before I could seal the ship. As such I headed her out to deep space until the background radiation wasn't a hazard anymore. I've been on my own for quite some time."

"What do you mean, everyone is dead?" interrupted Eddie.

"Everyone is. Dead, I mean." answered Holly.

"Everyone? Chen? Peterson?"

"Dead. Everyone is dead."

"Freeman? Hapschatt?" asked Eddie.

"Yes, dead, everyone is dead."

"Columbia?" asked Eddie with sadness.

"Yes, Columbia. Columbia, Hapschatt, Freeman, Chen, Peterson, all dead. Everyone is dead, Eddie. Dead, everyone." Holly tried to make him understand with a final "Everyone … is … dead … Eddie."

The truth, the shock, had hit him.

"Are you trying to tell me...that everyone is dead?"

"Yes."

"How...how long?" Eddie asked, sitting down.

"Three millions years," answered Holly.

The fact that the human race was gone didn't phase him a bit. The fact that he was the last living human didn't bother him. The fact that he was three million years away from home didn't upset him in the slightest. Yet. That would come in a few minutes. What hit Eddie hardest was the fact that Columbia was dead.

"She … she was part of my plan. I was gonna have a farm in Fiji, and Columbia was gonna be there...she was going to wear baby-pink lipstick and a white plastic belt, and we were gonna listen to Buddy Holly … he was a singer, pure "punk skank rock-a-billy," said Eddie. He swept more of the powder into his mouth. He was stunned and in shock, but finally saw that he was surrounded with the piles of powder.

"What is this I'm eating?" he asked Holly.

"That was second technician Ralph Hapschatt," said the ship's Criminologist. Eddie spit the contents of his mouth out.

"Why didn't you tell me!?!" he yelled.

"I dunno, just forgot. I think I'm a bit computer senile. It has been three million years you know."

"The ass on your chin dosen't look any bigger … three million years," he said wistfully.

"Yeah," agreed Holly. "You always think it'll happen to some other species, and the moment your turn your back...wouldn't you know it."

"Columbia," said Eddie with a tear.

"Well, if it helps, the age difference would have been insurmountable. At least you can use her to grit the path when it snows."

"HOLLY!" complained Eddie.

"Sorry, Eddie, I'm just used to saying what I think, that's all. I've been on my own for...well, you know."

"Yeah, I know," said Eddie.

Holly had to do something, fast. Eddie was not taking the loss of the human race well. Over the last three days he had taken to drinking until he passed out somewhere on the ship in his own vomit. He walked the halls, a bottle of whiskey in his hand, or rode his bike around the large decks. He screamed at people that weren't there, and always wound up back in the ship's disco, where he would cry as he leaned on the jukebox, and danced with a phantom partner that no one but he could see and called her Columbia...

Eddie woke up one morning in the sick bay. The ship's small service robots, skutters, had dragged him there on Holly's orders. He had been kept sedated as his system was purged of alcohol. Finally he awoke, with a killer hangover, and he opened his eyes to see Brad Rimmer Majors looking down at him.

There was a large "H" on his head.

"You're a hologram," said Eddie.

"So I am. No thanks to you," sneered Brad, and pressed his glasses back up his nose.

end of part two............

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