CAST:
DAVE LISTER.................EDDIE
ARNOLD J. RIMMER.......BRAD MAJORS
THE CAT........................FRANK N FURTER
KRYTON........................RIffRAff
HOLLY...........................CRIMINOLOGIST

Part Four, uploaded 1st July, 2001

The Cat was dancing and preening himself as he explored one of the hundreds of decks on the Red Dwarf. He picked up objects along the way that caught his fancy.

"Hmmm, this is MINE," he said as he plucked up a string of pearls that was resting in a pile of white dust. He stopped, "yowled", and did a bit of a two-step before walking along.

He hummed a tune, an old Earth melody that he picked up from hearing Holly hum it to himself on occasion over the years. The tune was an old classic called "Sweet Transvestite."

"Hey, this is MINE, too!" He smiled, fangs showing, as he lifted up a party hat that was left on a table. He paused to examine a hole in his stocking of his right knee, and danced on.

"I want it off the ship," demanded Brad to Eddie.

"What do you mean? It's not just an animal, we can't just throw it into space," argued Eddie as he finished off a can of last night's stale lager.

"We certainly can, regulations strictly prohibit un-clear personelle from residing on the ship," Brad demanded as he stood up straight and smoothed out a crease in his green uniform.

"Rimmer, I mean, Brad, I'm NOT goin' to throw the cat into space. Besides, I want someone around to talk to besides you," Eddie heard the Cat coming down the hall, and stepped out of the bulkhead door.

"Hey, Cat...are you, um, hungry?" Eddie asked.

"Hey, am I good looking? Of course I'm hungry, when do we eat?" The Cat flashed a huge, fanged smiled and clapped his gloved hands together. Eddie saw the "Boss" tattoo on his arm ripple with well hone, feline muscles.

"Brutal, come on down to the ships mess."

"Is goal-post head coming to? And the Head?" Cat asked, referring to both Brad and Holly. Eddie stood at the voice box, wondering what to order.

"Um, ah...wine, red, with a nice cut of meat," he said. The serving door opened, and he pulled out the hot covered plate and cold bottle. He walked to the table, which the Cat had already prepared: it was the most mismatched thing Eddie had ever seen-there were different cups ranging from a "cow" cup to jelly jars, one plate had about half a dozen forks, and there was what appeared to be a burnt, mummified dog or cat as a centerpiece.

Eddie placed the plate on the table and started to cut the meat with an electric carving knife. The Cat reached out, grabbed a few bits, and threw them on the plate in front of where Brad sat.

Eddie placed the Cats plate of meat on the floor, and smiled.

"You monkey people eat off the floor!?!" demanded the Cat. "Ain't you got no style?"

Eddie turned red, embarrassed at his poor manners. He only assumed that the cat would eat from the floor.

"Sorry," he said, and placed the plate on the table.

"That's better," said the Cat, and then he grabbed a hunk of meat, batted it about for a moment or two, and then bit into it.

Brad motioned for Eddie to tell the Cat to eat with a knife, and Eddie shrugged it off.

"A toast!" said the Cat. "To absent friends!"

"To absent friends," said Brad, Eddie, and Holly. Eddie was about to speak when Holly the Criminologist made an announcement.

"Brad, Eddie, I'm picking up a distress call...very weak but not far away.

"Aliens!" exclaimed Brad.

"No, it's of Human origin. Here, I'll patch it through..."

A face came on the screen. It was a mechanoid, an artificial man, wearing a butler's serving uniform. The metal face was angular, but harsh, with sunken eyes and cheeks. It had small bits of what looked like metallic hair streaming down its shoulders. It was damaged as well – one shoulder was malformed, bent into a hump, and one finger had a constant nervous twitch. Its voice was high, thin, and reedy.

"SOS, SOS ... my name is Kryton, Handyman of the Earth Ship USN Patricia Quinn! We have crash-landed on a small asteroid, and only three female humans have survived! I am now sending you the medical prognosis of them! Please help! We are desperate! I repeat..."

Holly broke in. "It's an automated distress call, repeats itself. Here are the images of the three surviving crew members..." He ran a few photos and a list of medical readouts. The three crew members of the Patricia Quinn were Captain Magenta, Flight Navigation Officer Janet Weiss, and Communications Officer Betty Monroe ... all had injuries, but none life threatening."

Holly, change course, right away!" ordered Brad.

"Three females, as in soft and squishy? All injured? This is a fantastic opportunity," the Cat purred. "I wonder what I should wear?"

The Red Dwarf was speeding towards the crashed ship, and Brad approached Eddie when no one else was about.

"Uh, Lister, I need to ask you a favor," said Brad.

"Yeah?" asked Eddie as he examined the "Love" and "Hate" tattoos on his hands.

"When we get to the girls, I was wondering of you would, you know, not call me any of the nicknames that you and the rest used to call me behind my back."

"What names?" asked Eddie with a smile. "You mean 'asshole' and 'smeg-head'? Rimmer, we called you those to your face as well."

"That's what I mean, it's … disrespectful. I was hoping you could call me something else. Something like, oh, I don't know … Ace or BR or maybe even Big-Man…"

Eddie doubled over laughing.

"B-Big Man!?!" and he laughed even harder. Brad turned red.

"Look, its a simple request, god dammit, which you have chosen to ignore!" he yelled.

"Oh, Brad, don't be ungrateful," said Eddie.

Ungrateful!?!" Brad threw his glasses off, and just before he went to hit Eddie out of sheer frustration he remembered he was only a hologram, which made him even more frustrated.

"How forceful you are, Brad. So … dominant. You got any tattoos?" Eddie laughed again.

"Certainly not. How about you?" Brad countered.

"Relax, Ace, no problem … Big Man ..." Eddie said, just as the Cat bounded into the room.

"I'm ready!" he announced. He wore a leather jacket now, studded with patches of all different kinds, ranging from a "69" patch to one of former China Party Chairman Mao Tse Tung to an old Earth author named Richard O'Brien. The Cat also had on knee length black boots with the toes cut away.

"Lets go!" Eddie said. They boarded Starbug, the landing craft, and descended to the planet.

The Cat and Eddie walked about until the saw the droid – he was thin and short, and waved to them with a tattered-gloved hand.

"Captain Brad Rimmer Majors here to save the day!" announced Brad. "And this is Lister and the Cat."

The mechanoid gave a half smile and said, "This way," and walked off. His robot thumb was still twitching.

"Remember, Eddie, let me do all the talking, I don't want you ruining this for me by saying something stupid! No talk of those trashy motorcycle magazines you read or any of those Buddy Holly Rock-a-billy skank songs," warned Brad.

"Yeah, yeah," said Eddie.

"I am one FINE looking Cat," said the Cat with a smile.

"You've arrived on a rather special night," said Kryton.

"Yes, of course, it's the night the boys from the Dwarf come to save the d - day." Brad's face went slack, as if the strings that held up his smarmy smile had been cut, for laying there on the ground were two skeletons: one was dressed in a tattered, rotted pink dress, the other in something that looked like a wedding dress. The third was propped up in the remains of the grandfather clock.

"What's … what's this?" asked Brad, stunned. Eddie suppressed a laugh. It was obvious that the automated distress call had been running for years, many years, and that the robot was damaged ... it didn't realize that the three crew members he had been calling for help for were already long dead.

"I think the one in the clock fancies you, Ace," said Eddie with a suppressed snicker.

"Shut up," said Brad.

"Whatever you say, Big Man," said Eddie and now he outright laughed. Brad's face turned a shade of beet red.

"Little on the skinny side," said the Cat with a sniff of his nose.

Kryton took a glass of red liquid from one of the skeletons, splashed himself on the shoulder with the liquid, and addressed the mass of bones.

Captain Magenta, please get up, our rescue is here," it said, propping up the skeleton.

"Lt. Weiss, Major Monroe, please, we have guests," said the handyman robot.

"Uh, Kryton, I don't know how to tell you this but your three shipmates are dead," said Eddie.

"Dead? Are you sure, Sir?" asked the dumbfounded robot.

"Well, let's put it to a test...anyone here not dead please raise your hand!"

None of the skeletons made a move.

"This is very disturbing, Sir," said the robot. It withdrew a blood-spattered rag, shook it, and started to wipe at the head of one of the skeletons.

"Well, now what"? demanded the Cat as he pulled on some rubber gloves.

"Now we go back to the ship. Let's brings the robot with us," suggested Eddie.

"Bring it back with us? What for? It's...its riffraff! We don't need that thing!" sneered Brad.

"He's coming back with us, and he's not riffraff, are you Kryton?"

"I'm not sure Sir. I certainly haven't fulfilled my obligation to keep the crew of the Patricia Quinn happy and healthy…"

end of part four............

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